When Caring Becomes Control: Healing Co-Dependency

thegirlymum
Jul 14
5 min read

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” - Carl Yung

The Roots of the Co-dependent

Some people grow up in homes where emotions are invisible,

needs are hidden, and silence is the rule.

That’s one kind of trauma.

But some of us grew up in homes where emotions and problems were everywhere —

raw, unchecked, and tangled up in someone else’s unmet needs.

In these homes, love didn’t mean connection — it meant fusion.

It meant becoming what someone else needed you to be so they could feel okay.

And in that process, something subtle but devastating happens:

You don’t just lose your boundaries.

You lose your Self.

Not because anyone meant to hurt you.

But because they didn’t know how to hold themselves.

They never found their own voice to tell themselves they were ok —

so they used yours instead.

If you're ok, then I'm ok.

The Training You Didn’t Know Was Happening

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about villainizing your mother.

Or your father.

Or whoever it was that lived in your nervous system

before you even knew what “needs” were.

They weren’t evil.

They were codependent.

They were doing what they were taught:

survive through control.

Find safety through closeness.

Trade authenticity for attachment.

So when they said:

“Don’t upset her.”
“I just need you to be there for me.”
“You’re the only one who understands me.”
"I can fix whatever is wrong with you."

What they meant was:

“Please don’t leave me like I was left.”

“Please don’t make me feel like anything might be wrong.”

You were trained — gently, subtly, sometimes even sweetly — to leave yourself.

To suppress your needs.

To perform safety.

To manage their feelings instead of your own.

And you called it love.

Codependency Is Not Just a Buzzword

Originally coined in addiction recovery circles,

codependency described the partner of an addict —

someone whose identity and worth became tied to managing, fixing,

or enabling the other person.

But the term has since grown to describe a whole pattern of

survival behavior rooted in external orientation:

Needing others to be okay so you can feel okay
Guilt when you focus on yourself
Over-functioning while others under-function
Difficulty identifying or expressing your own needs
Feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions

Codependency often starts in childhood —

in enmeshed family systems where individuality was either punished,

shamed, or never modeled.

You don’t learn to “be yourself” when being yourself risks someone else’s love.

So you learn to perform.

To read the room.

To sacrifice quietly.

You confuse control with care.

You confuse attachment with intimacy.

You confuse over-responsibility with maturity.

And by the time you’re grown, you’re exhausted —

but you can’t stop.

Because stopping feels like abandonment.

And you’ve sworn you’d never do to anyone what was done to you.

The Wake-Up Call

One day, you realize:

You don’t know what you actually want.
You feel guilty for saying no.
You’re resentful all the time but don’t know how to change it.
You’re managing everyone’s life but your own.

And somewhere deep down, a quiet voice asks:

“What would be left if I stopped over-caring?”

That’s the moment the pattern starts to break.

That’s the moment healing begins.

Healing Codependency Isn’t Just Letting Go — It’s Letting In

You don’t just stop being codependent by setting some external boundary

or taking a weekend to yourself.

You heal it by slowly — tenderly — learning how to exist

without performing for love.

You practice:

Naming what you want before someone else fills the space.
Letting people be disappointed without fixing it.
Letting yourself rest without earning it.
Feeling guilt and not making it mean you’re wrong.

You return to yourself —

not all at once, but piece by piece.

And every time you do,

the spell breaks a little more.

The Direction of Cure

In homeopathy, we talk about the direction of cure.

Healing often doesn’t look linear.

It stirs things up before it settles them.

It moves from the mental to the emotional to the physical —

from suppression to expression.

Healing codependency might not feel good at first.

It might feel like rage.

Like grief.

Like an identity crisis.

But these are not signs you’re doing it wrong.

They’re signs that your Self —

the one you buried for love —

is coming back to life.

Let her.

Your Miasm Is Showing 🧬

How codependency wears different masks — depending on your inherited pattern.

Psora – The “I’ll fix myself so you don’t have to be upset” codependent

Psoric codependency is rooted in striving, guilt, and the belief that suffering earns safety. You over-apologize, over-function, and tie your worth to being good, moral, or helpful.
You fear being a burden — so you quietly become one to yourself.

You think: “If I just do everything right, maybe I’ll finally feel okay.”

Sycosis – The “I’ll manage this mess so no one sees what’s wrong” codependent

Sycotic patterns often bring shame and secrecy.
You don’t want to be seen as weak, so you hide your needs behind performance or image. You try to control others subtly — not out of malice, but to maintain the illusion of balance.

You think: “Let’s not talk about it. I’ll handle it behind the scenes.”

Syphilitic – The “I’ll destroy it before it destroys me” codependent

This is where codependency turns self-destructive.
You love hard, then push people away.
You try to control relationships by threatening to end them.
Rage, hopelessness, and sabotage swirl beneath your caregiving.

You think: “If I can’t fix it, maybe I should burn it all down.”

Tubercular – The “I’ll run before you cage me” codependent

You crave deep connection but fear being consumed.
You oscillate — merging, then fleeing.
You’re always looking for the one who will finally meet your needs without suffocating you. You try to manage others while protecting your freedom.

You think: “Why can’t I find someone who gets me without needing too much?”

Cancer (Carcinosin) – The “I’ll become whatever you need me to be” codependent

This is the most refined, deeply ingrained codependency — often ancestral.
You read the room before you breathe.
You anticipate everyone’s needs, smooth the edges,
and disappear into the role of caretaker.
You equate self-sacrifice with love.

You think: “If I just keep everyone else okay, I’ll be safe too.”

Adjuncts for Untangling 🤝

Here are some ways to support your nervous system and

inner world as you unwind codependent patterns:

🌿 Flower Essences

Centaury – for saying yes when you mean no
Walnut – for breaking free from family patterns
Pine – for chronic guilt and inherited shame
Red Chestnut – for those who worry obsessively about others

📝 Journal Prompts

“Who did I feel responsible for as a child?”
“What emotions do I avoid feeling by focusing on others?”
“What would I do differently if I didn’t feel guilty?”
“What parts of myself have I put on hold to be loved?”

💨 Somatic Practices

Place a hand on your chest and say, “It’s safe to be with me now.”
Practice letting your body rest without multitasking.
Try the orienting exercise: slowly look around the room and name what’s yours — this helps reclaim a sense of internal territory.