Talking it Out

I haven’t thought out all the details for this. Intuition doesn’t deal in details. It doesn’t give you a safe route with guarantees. Its path is paved with uncertainty and it can be extremely uncomfortable to follow.

We all have it though. Intuition. Not all of us know what it is or that we use it without realizing it. It guides us more than we would give it credit for. It’s often described as a gut feeling, but I tend to think that “gut feelings” are more ego centered since most people pollute their guts with food devoid of real energy, but more on that another time.

I’ve been reading self-help books for well over half my life and for the most part they all seem to be the diary of the writer’s intuition. Step-by-step guides to following the advice of someone else’s personal spiritual breakthroughs. Same with religion really. The only thing these routes have to offer us is what it feels like to resonate with the ultimate universal intelligence. Or rather, to be in vibration with what you already know innately, tucked into your little soul.

I LOVE giving advice. Who doesn't?!

Concepts come easy to me. Astrological charts are a Gemini’s dream! I could do it all day. I can see the path from A to B real easy. I know about a lot of things. Nutrition, parenting, homesteading, astrology and mindfulness, consumerism, health, politics (we all know about that), and every conspiracy in modern history, blah blah blah. But taking the pill that I often prescribe is a different story. It’s big and I choke on it. Ahem.

Cause uh, I have a lot of opinions. Don't we all? I went kayaking with my husband last weekend for a whole hour. That’s all we asked of the older girls during our camping trip with 5 kids, 3 ducks, and a dog, “Just. give. us. one hour. Please.” With the overwhelming constant nature of a 2 and 4 year old that come rightly by the names Whitman and Walden (sigh), a one hour break felt like a whole day, especially when you’re hanging with someone who likes to help you figure out the world.

We were drifting in our boats, sipping Perrier with lemon, when I came up with a genius plan for dealing with the adrenal stress from my “KEEP THE KIDS ALIVE” life. I could make some homemade fermented wine and sip on it daily, just enough to keep the edge off. I'm pretty sure this idea comes from housewives past and I was seriously thinking about this as a solution. Then quickly realized I was resorting to taking up alcoholism.

There has to be a better way.

So I decided that I’m going to reduce my stress by taking all my own advice, and if I fail, I’ll take up the (expired kombucha) bottle.

Ok.... so... take your own advice.

Sounds easy, huh? Why do it all public-like? Well, that’s where we get into my astrological natal chart.

Even though I wish it weren’t so, my natal sun is nestled with mars in my 12th house of Gemini. In plain language that means I’m supposed to shine a light on darkness, reveal secrets and expose what is hidden. I’ve tried to follow other people’s way because my mutable nature believed there could be a better way than mine and trust me, I’ve tried all the ways to NOT have this aspect.

Particularly with “keeping growth private”. That’s what my husband does. He’s an introvert and handles everything just fine within the walls of his skin. Not me. I process outwardly. Usually to him. I’ve spent years thinking that his way of “processing”, also known as feeling the real feels or breaking down, was better because it happens without you really even knowing. It looks so tidy and in control. Shiny. I began thinking that I shouldn’t be so loud and messy with my junk. That I shouldn’t always be trying to fix myself. Which turned into self-denial because my process is MY gift. It's MY way.

I look over my whole lifetime and it is completely filled with fix-it everything! I mean, that’s what I do!! Except that’s not what I always do. In fact, in my current observation, the application of all that I “know” is a little lacking. That could be my inner critic speaking. But seriously, I NEED to be drinking more water.

Because I am so mutable, I have a lesson to learn as to how to just be me. Like who I want to be, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to follow my chart. And it says to shine a light on the darkness as the path to heal the wounds. For me and for our very wounded world.

So right now in our big beautiful sky, Mars is retrograding back into Scorpio, which is highlighting what we are motivated by. If I’m completely honest, I’m motivated by having to prove things. (I would have been an excellent lawyer.) It’s so easy for me to do something if I feel like I’m being challenged and if there is accountability (ie pressure).

So my challenge here is to take my own shit. Eat my own words. Swallow my own medicine. Tidy my own house. Judge my own self. And my intuition is telling me that I’m going to be doing it in front of you.

Featured Posts